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[Sun/Dec/2013 at 4:49am]

Dear mom,
I feel like a horrible person because I don't want to live in your home anymore. Every time I'm here my anxiety and depression skyrocket and I can't tell this to your face but it's all your fault. You're nosy and manipulative and just because you're sick you expect for everyone around you to just drop everything and tend to you. I don't know how many times I've bit my tongue after you've impositioned me or dad. You choose the worst times to do it too, like when I'm running late for work, or when I just sat down to dinner.
I was just barely getting my eating disorder under control and then I make the stupid decision to move back in and now it's getting out of control again. You're bad for me mom, you've always been poison and there's just no good way about telling you.
And then, I love you soooo much. And I've forgiven you more times than I can count for the stupid shit you've put me through. I'm afraid that you might not be around for very long so I'll keep putting up with it, but just know that you're making me ill. I do everything for you, and all I get from it is a warm bed to sleep in and dissociative disorder(which you still don't know I have.) You drive me nuts but I know the second you leave this earth I'm going to be go even more crazy. You're my whole heart. Sometimes I wish you weren't, it would be easier to cut away.
-Your Daughter
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[Sat/Aug/2013 at 1:54am]

Dear Anna,
I wish you were alive so that I could tell you to your face that I'm glad you're dead. You were a manipulative bitch and tried to destroy my relationship with my long running boyfriend. I don't take anything back that I said to you, and I still resent you. I feel bad for your kids though. They had no idea their mom was a c*nt and are too young to loose their mother. I bet you wish you were a better mother to them though huh? Always leaving them in the middle of the night to go try to steal time away with my boyfriend. He never liked you. Even though you were totally in love with him. Maybe if you had lost about 100 pounds he would have at least pity fucked you. Your drama was way too much to handle and M. and I laughed at you so many times. You were pathetic. You get what you deserve... a nice hole in the ground... yeah, you belong there. It's too bad you were sleeping when you died. You deserve to suffer. You were a bad person and I hope your name never comes up in topic again.
Loath you forever, B.
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[Sat/Jun/2012 at 12:42pm]

"Life and don't think about tomorrow."

Those words always make me think about you. ...About you and the good old days in which we were the Fantastic Four. You, Rahis, Nessi and me.

I loved those days and I loved all the singing, dancing and laughing. I loved to stay up all night the night before Christmas so we could wish each other a merry Christmas at midnight. This should have never ended. This has been perfect and I'll always look back at those days with a smile on my face and I want to thank you for that. You have been a good friend and it's a shame you had to go. It isn't your birthday yet, but nevertheless I already needed to write this down because last night I watched "Indian Love Story" on TV and this reminded me so much of you and how I always told you to stop quoting it all the time.

Can't believe that this year you are already gone for five years. Time passed so much and all that is left of the Fantastic Four is a Dynamic Duo because Rahis went away to marry this girl his family wanted him to marry...and I even told him to do so. You probably would still be mad at me for that because you thought he was meant to be with me, but well, sometimes you have to let people go, you know? It would have made things so much more complicated if I would have told him to stay. His family would have hated both of us then and that wouldn't have been right and you know that. You know how much finding his family after all those years meant to him. So...please don't be mad at me anymore.

You have been amazing and I want to say thanks to you for being in our lives for a while.
You are missed, Aman. You are missed a lot by Nessi and me.

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[Thu/Jan/2008 at 11:09am]

Dearest H,

If only you knew how smitten I am with you. I am sure you know that I like you to a certain extent. I know we’ve never met in person and our only access to each other would be through the wonderful world of Internet and our sporadic form of communication is often through MSN. Sometimes I wonder if things could have been different if we were of same nationality or even living in the same country.

You are funny, honest about certain things, love photography as much as I do and you're my greatest critic. We may not like the same genre of books, you like history and I like philosophical or complicated books but that does not mean that we have nothing to learn from each other. The great outdoors is our love. We are two individuals who crave for the same adrenaline rush we can get from the great outdoors. We love music and the 80s were the good times. Spanish is your mother tongue, Cantonese is mine but it is not an issue. We both love food and wine and we both often tease and flirt with each other endlessly online. I know real life isn't the same but at least we have some common ground to start off with.

When we first met, I admitted that I am complex and complicated. I hardly know what I want and I even find myself totally perplexing and it irritates me sometimes. It is difficult to read what you have in mind. Sometimes when I think that I have gathered enough strength to push you away, you stroll back into my mind. How I wished that I could read your mind and what you want out of this.

Sometimes you are so warm and other times you’re just so distant, so cold that I barely know who you are. I have been through this hot and cold path before and like any woman with instinct, it is an indication of something volatile to come. I love life too much to be sad. I love myself too much to go through this rollercoaster of emotions.

Right now, I know that K is pursuing me and I distant myself from him because I thought I felt more connection with you. It is unfair for him but if I were given a choice, I would rather spend my lifetime with you.

I have pushed enough people away from me and the one time after such a long time, I thought I found the va-va-voom back with you in my life. Sometimes, I play with Fate and pretend that I do not hear Her telling me the right path to take, afterall, life to me is always about taking the road less traveled.

I hope that I have made the right decision. It is painful and hurtful but it isn’t as bad as a broken heart. If you only knew… Seven years ago, my heart was shattered into a million pieces. It took me many years to start all over again with glued up pieces.

As much as I adore you, H, I am not wearing my heart on the sleeves anymore for you. I am making my way out of the door and not giving you a single piece of me. I am not picking K either because it would be unfair to him to be my back-up man.

I have decided that once I move into the new apartment by mid-February, I will consider it a fresh start, a clean slate to start living life joyfully without compromising for anyone who may hurt me. And if Fate decides that we were meant to be together, I am sure She will do something to bring us back.

I will always be here for you and K as a friend. Take care and I hope that you will someday know what you want and will get it.

Love, love, love,
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[Sat/Jan/2008 at 4:35am]


I knew this would happen, but then again I didn't. Not to this extent.

It's not supposed to be like this.

I can't say it.

How did it begin? Can I pinpoint that, I mean can I really? That day in the scorching sun, all of us laughing? Was it something you said? Your laugh? Your smile? Maybe. Or maybe I simply saw something that made me feel at home. You hugged me twice that day. You made sure I wasn't going all "loner" and whatnot...usually people don't realize what I'm doing, but you did. How did you know?

I can't say it.

The days at [friend]'s house were almost near perfect. I never wanted to leave. I kept wanting to see you again. I remember [best friend] telling me to hug you and I did. *laugh* I didn't let go until we were down stairs. We sat down on the couch and I stared at you. Our lips touched and I lost myself. I agree that things got out of control, but I didn't care. Part of me still doesn't. And I feel guilty.

I can't say it. I can't.

And since I've been here, things have drastically changed. You're my roommate. Yes, things happen in that bed that I am not particularly going to advertise. Even though we aren't together and we may never be, it feels more intimate when i'm with you than when i was with [ex #1] or [ex #2]. Unlike them, you held me afterward. You didn't tell me to leave or decide you need to go for a walk. You made me feel wanted and not just for sex. You told me you loved me. And I did the same. But I know how you meant it, did I mean it like that too?

I can't say it.

And then there are your girlfriend and our other roommate. She is right about where I am. Sometimes I think you prefer her to me. I'm more jealous of her than your girlfriend 90% of the time. Our roommate has admitted in her own blogs her love for you. How she's IN love with you. Can she be? I suppose she could. I know your girlfriend loves you, I could tell when she was here. It was nice to see you that happy, to see you have a perfect day when you thought you never could. I was still jealous but I grinned and bared for you. It was enough to know you were happy for once, even if I realized I could never do that for you. I could never make you as happy as she did.

I can't say it. You can't make me.

You're funny, sweet, straightforward, and the nicest guy I've met. You tell [our roommate] and I all the time that we're your girls. You get jealous when we're around other guys. You didn't want the three of us to split up. You didn't know what you'd do without us around. I can see where [our roommate]'s coming from in her own blogs though. I've done a lot of the same things: watching you sleep, wanting to stare into those beautiful green eyes forever, do almost anything for you to be happy. I've never felt as heartbroken as when I saw you cry that first time. I'd do anything for take away that pain.

I guess we do sound like stalkers. Oh well. We're not, really. But you know that.

I've never actually been in love. It sounds a bit foreign to me actually. But I know this isn't a crush anymore. I know I feel something stronger and it keeps yanking at every part of the surface of my heart like it's about to be torn open and explode and ....

I love you.


Maybe some day you'll see that, maybe not return it, but accept it. If you push me away for it, so be it. I can deal. I can watch from a distance if I have to, but if it makes you happy then I'll leave you alone.

Just please don't forget me.


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